Many men and women who find themselves in a sexless marriage are caught off guard when their spouse tells them they want a divorce. They just didn’t see it coming. They could not see the warning signs and in fact, they had no real interest in looking for them…until now.
Then there are those spouses who are not daring enough to go the route of divorce, but instead find solace and comfort in the arms of another man or woman. These affairs often carry on as “secret lives” hidden behind the masquerade of a happy family to outsiders.
I often refer to these couples as “Wake Me When It’s Over” spouses because those involved in affairs find it far too painful to think of all the “what ifs” involved in this complicated situation.
Finally, the last group of spouses are those who argue, then make up, argue, then make up again until they’re both worn down to the point of apathy.
Marriage troubles can be predicted when you understand the shocking formula that can forecast your divorce, even a year in advance, regardless of which of the three phases you might fall into.
The ability to do this requires that you have my free “HOT and NOT” marriage drawings which you can download at my “Stop your divorce” website. Just because they are drawings, does not mean they should be taken lightly. They allow you to take a measurable look at your marriage and predict a divorce in advance.
Since this is a 50% divorce rate culture, you can use this prediction tool to serve as a wake up call so you can avoid becoming just another statistic.
The first phase couples experience is the romance stage of the relationship. If you’ve downloaded the drawing, you’ll see that I’m referring to the “HOT drawing”.
In these four levels, you can see exactly what draws a man to a woman and how much work, time and effort she puts into attracting her target man.
Not to be outdone, you’ll see that the man in question is also putting 100% of his effort into attracting the woman.
As you look at these two scenarios setting the stage to “become serious”, you’ll likely get a warm feeling inside. It’s a kind of “happily ever after” thing. All of us want to see people find love and happiness just like in the movies. We all want it for ourselves as well.
But this drawing is meant for more than giving us blissful feelings. What it contains is actually the formula to become happy and fulfilled for a lifetime in marriage.
On the left side of the picture is what a man needs to know in order to ensure that the woman he marries continues to love him. On the right side of this image is what a woman needs to do in order to keep her man loyal and faithful.
You’ll see that women want their men to be a responsible wage earner, maintain a presentable appearance, protect her from hostile threats in any form and continue to sacrifice his time, energy and money on her behalf.
You would think this would be a snap since he did this at the very beginning of the relationship, but over time couples end the courtship and fall back into their old behaviors to the point where they resent each other which eventually leads to a sexless marriage.
Now men on the other hand want their women to maintain their appearance as well. A man wants his wife to make him feel important no matter what he does or doesn’t do. He wants his wife to tell him about all the things he does well and accept him as he is – quirks and all.
So there you have it. Want a great marriage and a great life?
Follow this plan and don’t deviate from it. This is what makes men and women “Hot” for each other.
It’s so simple, yet so commonly overlooked by couples.
But most couples don’t stay “Hot” for each other long. Instead what they do is go the “easy route” (though it is not easy at all!) and do what one-million, five hundred thousand couples do every year – get a divorce.
This brings us to the second drawing in the illustration which shows the destructive ways that couples tear their marriage apart…without even knowing it!
So what are they doing so wrong?
Simple. They just do the OPPOSITE of what they did to create it. In the drawing, pictures 1, 2, 3, and 4 of second drawing is what predicts a divorce.
Now the question is; how can you predict when divorce will happen in your marriage? A sexless marriage is a pretty good indicator of some serious problems in your marriage, but there’s another easy answer.
Take these pictures to the person you married and ask them to put a score of 10 down to 1 on the pictures.
If you’re a man, take both pictures to your wife and say “Honey, I need you to give me a score based on these pictures with 10 being, “This is exactly what’s happening” and 1 being “This is not happening at all”.
If you’re well on your way to a divorce, you might find that when you give her the “HOT page”, she rates you with 2’s and 3’s. If this is the case, you’ll most likely find that on the “NOT page”, she rates you with 9’s and 10’s.
If this is the case, consider this a wake up call that you need to do something RIGHT NOW about your sexless marriage before it’s too late.
If your wife did in fact give you these scores, you could safely predict that a divorce is in your future as close to a month or as far as even 12 months away if you do absolutely nothing different from what you’re doing now.
What I just laid out for men in the scoring process, applies equally for women as well. If you take these drawings to your husband and find high scores on the “Not page” and low scores on the “Hot page”, you know you’re in trouble.
Does this really work?
The reason this works so well is because these simple pictures eliminate any need to talk about your problems, the history, what went wrong and who did what to whom. Putting all that aside, simply ask your spouse for scores.
And when you do, be sure NOT to sit in the same room and wait. Let them do it privately. For most couples, this little scoring exercise comes as a real rude awakening.
It forces you to stop living with the wool pulled over your eyes and starts communication between the two of you. Without communication, the two of you go on as normal and over time you begin to just feel indifferent about each other and your marriage.
Now here are some quick tips to help you with this exercise…
Tip #1: If you have received low scores, don’t react in a negative way. Make sure you act like a student who has been given low grades halfway through the semester. Now is the time to meet with your “teacher” and find out how to correct the problem.
Tip #2: With this “good student” analogy in mind, it is your job to find out how to turn around a potentially bad “semester”, by asking your spouse specific questions…starting with the “HOT picture”.
Here’s an example of a specific question you could ask your spouse. “Honey, tell me how I showed you I was a responsible wage earner and good with money when we were first dating.”
Another example. “Honey, how do you think I took care of my appearance when we were dating and you were so interested in me?” And, “Honey, how well did I make you feel that I would protect you and stand up for you to make you feel safe when we were dating?” If you want help with the last question, “Honey, in what ways did I sacrifice my time, energy and money for you when we were dating?”
Tip #3: The answers you get will give you an idea of what you did well at one time. With this positive illustration still ringing in your ears, ask about the “NOT picture”, but this time, don’t ask specific questions about those negative behaviors. Instead, ask about how you can do specific things to get back to the “HOT picture”.
Here’s another tip: Dwelling on problems will only create more problems in your marriage. This is one of the reasons why marriage counseling has such dismal success rates – they focus on the problems.
Instead, focus on the way you were. The more you talk about those “HOT pictures”, the more fulfilling your marriage will become.
Tip #4: Each of you should take your turn at this exercise. If your sexless marriage is on the verge of divorce and the “NOT picture” is an exact depiction of your marriage, consider having a neutral person take the two of you through this exercise.
Tip #5: Once you’ve got your “HOT scores” and the solutions, or answers from your spouse on how to get back to that positive point in your marriage, plan a date and do something as close to what you used to do when you were truly happy with each other.
If you want to go the extra mile, buy the book “10 Great Dates” on Amazon.com. Each date teaches you something about how rekindle the romance in your marriage. The book gets into lots of helpful specifics that will teach you far more than you presently know about how to be married.
Do this right and and you’ll soon be looking back at your sexless marriage as a thing of the past as your resentment towards each other is replaced with those “warm and fuzzy feelings” back from when you were dating.